Jesus told me to do it....!!

I was fortunate enough to photograph the reception and book signing for 127 hours, the new movie about Aaron Ralston (the guy who got stuck in a canyon in Southern Utah and had to hack off his arm to get freed from behind a boulder).  I nomally have an open mind and willing to go along with things, unfortunately I have certain views on this matter and it took my best poker face to get through the evening.


It seems he realized while in the canyon, with his arm pinned to the wall, that he decided he was going to live and that this event (in his own words) would "be the best thing that happened to me."  I have heard that he is now a public speaker an credits Jesus for saving his life...


I have started writing a satirical play that recounts the whole story... obviously as seen through my 2x sarcasm filter.  Here is the synopsis:


Jesus spoke to him while in the narrow canyon and negotiated a book/film deal through Viacom. This is exactly what happened:

And the lord spoke upon Aaron through his son, "Thou shalt lop off thy putrid

and necrotic forearm with a leatherman and embark upon an exodus from the

wilderness for seven miles.  Thou shalt take herocam shots and hence bring

fourth upon the land a epic journey of discovery and redemption.  Thou shalt

call it 127 hours and 16 cubits. And so it shalt be done!"

Aaron took herocam vids and stills and brought forth his epic journey of

redemption.  They removed the 16 cubits because no one knew what they were,

even though they sounded kinda cute.

As in all biblical stories, there are bits that do not make the big book... the established canonical volumes.  These are the apocrypha.  We have some parts that can be found in The Second Book of Dumbass:

        Aaron responded, "Who are you?"

        Jesus responded, "I am Jesus, the son of God."

        Aaron said, "What?  But I'm a hedonist and an atheist!  Why are you here?"

       Jesus then said, "Because you are a dumb-ass and you need to cut your Fucking arm off!"

       Aaron listened to Jesus (actually is pronounced Hey-suus...as he is actually from Matamoros, not 

       Bethlehem) and lopped off his arm with his letherman tool.